Tim Lincecum is Relentless

Every time I see Tim Lincecum on television, I keep wondering how old the guy is, even though I already know (25), because he looks like a teenager who hangs around burger shacks and sips on milkshakes.

Instead of being the said teenager who hangs around burger shacks and sips on milkshakes, he’s an ass-kicking pitcher for the San Francisco Giants of the Major League Baseball. If you wanted a more pithy statement to sum up Lincecum’s abilities, sit down, because there’s nothing else that needs to be said.

He’s faced my St. Louis Cardinals four times in his career. Three times he’s stifled the Cards at Busch Stadium (most recently last night in a 10-0 Giants win). In total, all four have resulted in wins for Lincecum.

The sky is the limit for this guy.

What About Pau Gasol?

The Los Angeles Lakers racked up their 15th title on Sunday night. Congratulations. I’ve had to take a few days to get the vomit out of my system, and, because I’m Troy Sparks, I would like to take the time to bash the Lakers really quick before I toss out some really freakin’ ornery props toward them. Eh, so the Lakers are now touted as being once again two titles behind the Celtics (yet the Lakers are 2-9 all time against the greatest NBA franchise to ever lace ‘em up), yet I say we remove five of their titles. The five I’m talking about are the ones that they won in Minneapolis. Yes, that’s right. The ratio should be 10:17 instead of 15:17. Nobody says that the Cleveland Browns have a championship from the Baltimore Ravens’ Super Bowl victory in 2001, do they? I mean, the ‘Ravens’ were touted as being the ‘original Browns’, right? So leave the five titles to the Minneapolis Lakers and give the ten others to the Los Angeles Lakers. It’s only fair.

Kobe Bryant finally did it. No longer riding on Shaquille O’Neal’s coattails, proving the doubters wrong, making everybody in the world and those watching from outer space believe that he’s such an enthralling leader, all of that crap, yaddee-yaddee-yah. Yep. Yeah. Yes. Congratulations, Kobe. I’m not going to sit here and bore the hell out of everybody reading this with a bunch of verbose bullshit negating anything that Kobe’s did, but KOBE (yes, I’m speakin’ to ya, bro), why did you do that fake ass, premeditated, jackass-esque Michael Jordan-over-Craig Ehlo-wannabe fist pump!?!?! WHY!?!??!?! Damn it!

I’m not going to bloviate about the NBA Finals. It’s late Wednesday morning, and the Finals finished up three nights ago. You know everything about the games and the ending. So if I need to tell you how it ended or break down any stats, then you are in the wrong place (and apparently the wrong mind).

Pau Gasol was the real MVP of this series. While Kobe thrived in a couple of games, keep in mind that he had a few subpar games and failed to live up to his ‘Closer’ appellation by not being able to close out game three, having a mediocre second half. Gasol never had a bad game. He stood tall in every game. Proved all the doubters wrong (yes, I was a DOUBTER), played physical basketball, took it to the Magic, shot face up jumper after face up jumper against the lost-minded Orlando Magic, took hook shots to the basket, and all in between, played the best defense I’ve ever seen the man play.

So, yeah, yeah, congratulations Lakers.

However, the true victories are the ones you win through the Boston Celtics.

I also have no doubt in my mind that if Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe were healthy (at least Garnett), the Celtics would be racking up number eightteen right now. And yes, that is my bisaed Boston Celtics fan-mind speaking. Thank you very much.

Sammy Sosa Cheated Six Years Ago, So Why Are We Talking Now?

Reports ascended yesterday that Sammy Sosa, the man whom along with Mark McGwire brought baseball back to prominence in 1998 when both men chased Roger Maris’ single season home run record, used some good ‘ol steroids in 2003. Well, who cares?

The year is 2009. 2003 was a long time ago. 2003 was a time when the Florida Marlins were rockin’ out, and the Yankees were still making World Series appearances. 2003 was a time when the New England Patriots were getting ready to make headway on their run for two Super Bowl championships in a row. 2003 was a time when my father passed away.

2003 is long gone.

The only reason this issue is being thrown at everyone’s faces is because it is a plague on baseball that is exclusively brought to you by steroids! Steroids are the only type of vice that will have the past haunt you like it does now. What other type of issue in sports will bring bullshit up from the past?

I don’t care that he cheated. Everybody is practically cheating in baseball today, so I’m not surprised a single bit. Sosa is one of the heroes of many kids growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s, but the year 2009 is among us and I’m no longer surprised at anybody who is injected needles in their asses.

At least baseball is slowly snubbing everybody out, one at a time apparently, even though Bud Selig is the most corrupted bastard I’ve ever seen in my entire freakin’ life!

The Cleveland LeBrons Eliminated, Now Singin’ The Blues

LeBron James did his best to advance to the NBA Finals, but he was too alone. I give him credit for his effort and amazing plays, however.

Still, LeBron clearly lacks respect and fair play for his opponents. His walking off the court without congratulating the Cavs’ worthy adversaries is now a common course taken by LeBron, as he did the same thing last year after the game seven loss to the Celtics in Boston. I can understand that he is frustrated, mad, pissed, blustery, etc., but at least you can show some respect to your opponents. He didn’t say anything to the Magic players; he just walked off the court, with his head down. At least Kobe Bryant did hug the Celtics even after quitting on his Lakers while they were getting crushed by the C’s by 39 in game 6 of the NBA Finals in 2008.

Just another reason for the haters to be obligated to hate on LeBron, the ‘character’ as opposed to the player. Arrogant and disrespectful. (Cue in Jake Ball.)

If Bill Belichick does this and gets a lot of flack for it (Super Bowl XLII), then LeBron James should get flack for doing it too.

I’m sure he was devastated after not being able to even get to the Finals in his dream season. No ‘coronation’ this year. Oh, and all his fans whom are ‘witnesses’ are being bequeathed to a LA Lakers/Magic Finals.

It almost makes me feel bad for him. People expect so much from him and they put all of this hype on him, and at the same time he gets coddled by the refs almost ALWAYS getting favorable calls and never getting in foul trouble. The dude hasn’t learned how to deal with adversity yet. He hasn’t been given a chance to just play without people thinking he’s gonna be the man every night and downplaying his competition. You know, LeBron may be the greatest player on Earth right now, but he and his team would be a lot better without all of the hyping and the “Chosen One” bullshit as well as all of the blatant star-calls.

That said, if you are happy and willing to do all of the goofy bullshit — the clowning around with teammates, clapping powder into the air before the start of every game (stealing it from Kevin Garnett whom stole it from Reggie Miller), cheering and posing for pictures, all of that bullshit, then when you’re winning you should be prepared to act dignified when you lose. You can’t act the way LeBron (and his teammates) do when you’re winning and then just storm off the court when you face a disappointment like LeBron did tonight.

He’s only 25 years old, and he’s still a student of the game. Now heading to his seventh NBA season is November, the media is going to hound him the most they’ve ever done so. LeBron, you might as well ring up Kobe and ask him how he’s dealt with the myriad adversity that he’s personally faced since June 30, 2003. He’ll tell you: the psychological vices are a bitch. But worrying is only as effective as drinking spoiled milk with your cereal.

The Modern Day Celtics Are Never Boring

Bill Russell, Bob Cousy and John Havlicek gave you. . . well, I don’t know what they gave you (besides phenomenal play and a horde of championships), because I was long from being born during their days of playing basketball.

Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish gave you intensity, integrity and intelligence. Five NBA title appearances in seven seasons (three titles emanating from those appearances).

The ’90s Boston Celtics gave you jack squat except for paltry play with nary a bit of sugar sprinkled on top. Tragic struck them in 1986 with the death of Len Bias, and Reggie Lewis was tragically lost in 1993.

The modern day Boston Celtics (2007-present) has given the NBA world a championship, another chapter to the storied franchise that leads the NBA in most titles by a team. Paul Pierce, a Celtic since ‘98, finally acquired the pirze he had coveted for years — likewise for Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.

Yet as the 2008-2009 season moves on, and the prospect of the Celtics winning the title this year being more unlikely than Will Ferrell ever winning an Oscar, they provide a lofty amount of moments to keep you (at least you, being a Celtics fan) on the edge. Just look at the Chicago Bulls series, which went seven games, only featuring one blowout.

Tonight, the Orlando Magic escaped with a narrow victory, after the Celtics — once losing by 25 — came within three points of tying the game. 95-90 final at the T.D. Banknorth Garden.

Blame The Swine Flu

With the epic swine flu epidemic sweeping the Western hemisphere, I was thinking in this time of light sentiments: if there are players out there (and why, we know there are!) who don’t want to get their asses up off the bench (let alone the couch) for a game or two, the perfect alibi has been brought to the fullest fruition: blame the swine flu.

There’s no doubt about it. There’s nary a problem in that argument. Besides the fact that you may be lacking the necessary symptoms and all, just follow these steps:

1.) Go without bathing. I mean, of course, it’s an inconsiderate thing to do when you’re around people who have to smell the ornery stench that will plague you. However, it’s like Paul Pierce — it’s the truth (Mr. Pierce, no, I was not taking a pot shot at you). No cleansing, the clean person is nary existent.

2.) Don’t wash your hands — c’mon, washing your hands is juvenile! I mean, we do it so we dare devoid of germs and such. Pfft. Go the extra mile in the era of deceiving people in thinking that you have Swine Flu (not to mention to get the extra edge by actually raising your chances in possibly getting swine flu in the future!).

3.) Vitamin C? Just say “no thanks, I’ll have some bacon, sausage, and a Vitamin Case of Swine Flu!” Y’know, Vitamin C is great for you. It helps you fight off perilous diseases and free radicals are internally destroyed by this powerful antioxidant. Be a man, stay injured, and omit the orange juice.

Tracy McGrady, do you hear this? Ken Griffey Jr. of the early to mid 2000s, are you listening? Marc Bulger, want your offensive line to stop thinking that you’re a jackass for blaming them for the Rams’ offensive woes (even though they’re 99.9% of the problem)? Listen!

Ah, be right back. I’m going to go fry some bacon.

Satire

Animal House — Boston Celtics Version

PERK: War’s over, man. KG’s out. . .

BIG BABY DAVIS: Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

PAUL: [whispering] Germans?

RAY: Forget it, he’s rolling.

BIG BABY DAVIS: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough… [thinks hard] the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go! [runs out, alone; then returns] What the HELL happened to the BOSTON CELTICS I used to know, the greatest franchise in the HISTORY of BASKETBALL? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? “Ooooooh, we’re afraid to go with you BABY, we might get in trouble.” Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. HOWARD, he’s a dead man! LEBRON, dead! KOBE, ready to have his soul eaten!

PAUL: DEAD! BABY’S right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.

BIG BABY DAVIS: We’re just the guys to do it.
PERK: Let’s do it.
BIG BABY DAVIS: LET’S DO IT!

Could a First Round Series Get Any Better?

I knew the Boston Celtics had gone straight to hell when, after winning the NBA Finals on June 17, 2008, they gave coach Doc Rivers a five year contract. Does that explain the eerie coincidences this season? I don’t know. After starting the season with the best start in franchise history, the Celtics went downhill, due to not only injuries but poor play. The reasons for the injuries? Nadda. Poor play? Nadda.

The undermanned Celtics are likely going to fall to the Orlando Magic in this next upcoming series. If you disagree, then please do enlighten me on how Dwight Howard can be restrained. Sure, Rajon Rondo owns the point guard matchup with Rafer ‘can’t hit 3’s and sucks big D’ Alston, Courtney Lee — used as a defender esque player — should give Ray Allen fits, Paul Pierce is a much more well rounded player than Hedo Turkoglu but Turkoglu always seems to give the Celtics’ defense fits on the other end, Glen Davis up against Rashard Lewis is a huge mismatch in favor of the Magic if you count out the points, and Dwight Howard will have to be double teamed (eventually), in effect leaving somebody else on the Magic open.

So while the run ends here, at least the Celtics won at least one playoff series with a play-it-sensitive lineup. Some notes:

– Rajon Rondo played like an absolute man in every single game of this series. Yet ESPN and Celtics haters were too busy stroking the Chicago Bulls’ Derrick Rose the entire series (when he only had about two or three memorable performances alone). In the absence of Kevin Garnett (part of the heart and soul of the Celtics), Rondo stepped up his game to a level that not even Celtics fans have ever saw. This is not to slight Derrick Rose. This is to just make a cogent point.

– Paul Pierce, who’s over 30 years old, played in so many damn minutes during this series, which is amazing. The guy has played in about 1,000-some career NBA games now. And once players hit that number, they start to wear down — and while Pierce has deteriorated over the years (partially because of his knees weakening as injuries have whittled them down), he’s still, love him or hate him, in the words of Shaquille O’Neal, the “motherfucking Truth.”

– I wrote a blog before the series on TSTOS talking about how Ray Allen would be key in this series. Without question, he was. For the Celtics to have any kind of success, his shooting (or at least any kind of his scoring presence) has to be there.

– Brian Scalabrine, who’s more of a comedian than a basketball player, has practically gotten more minutes in the post season than he ever did in the regular season. Just goes to show the ornery effect that the injuries have posed to the Celtics as a team. Not to mention I think he spends more time tearing down McMuffins from Mickey D’s than getting his swag on in practice. You, Sir Scalabrine, are a true dollar-millionaire.

As aforementioned, all will likely end in the Semi-Finals, but then again, it will provide dividends for the 2009-2010 Celtics thanks to rest and, all above else, composure. Doc Rivers, this is your opportunity to take the time to read up on “Coaching for Dummies.” Or just be the mediocre coach that you are next season, too. I’d expect the latter, anyway.

Chicago will likely make a solid acquisition this year — perhaps a pure post player — and will return next year as a force (unless Vinnie Del Negro and John Paxon decide to butcher the team, either by shoddy moves or skeezy coaching).

In the meantime: Hey Joakim Noah, your mother said to be a good boy and get rid of that atrocious hair, y’know? And also, what’s up with all the people typing in “JOAKIM NOAH MOM MILF LOVE” to find a blog that I wrote — prodding Noah, of course — two years ago after the ‘07 NBA Draft? Anyway, thanks, to all the people typing that in and of course Noah’s mom.

Maybe Doc Rivers will congregate with Del Negro during the off-season after the Celtics are jettisoned following the next series, and they’ll discuss an acrobatic plan to remove Noah’s hair during a game in next year’s regular season, which, as you already should know, will be more physical than a Tony Parker/Eva Longoria love-making session.

Alright, that’s that. This year’s playoffs seem more predictable than this past year’s college football BCS finish. Call it: Cleveland over Los Angeles in the Finals (although I wish I could say Cleveland over Denver — WHO THE HELL WANTS TO WATCH THE LAKERS?! NO-BAH-DEE.)

The Time Has Come

The countdown has become for what has proven to be one of the most memorable playoff series in the history of the NBA. For fans of pure basketball, this past two weeks or so has been nothing short of spectacular – multiple overtimes, game-tying last second three-pointers, three players that needed stitches whilst the games are going on, flagrant fouls, two Huskies trying to outdo one another, flagrant fouls galore, and a great duel between two of the best point guards in the league.

Yes, it has really been that amazing. Whatever the outcome of tonight, or how that outcome will come about, it will not be an anti-climax. I don’t think it will be a disappointment if the Game 7 doesn’t have at least two overtimes and one last-minute clutch shot. What happened so far justifies the excitement this series has generated.

It’s less than an hour until gametime. Today there have been rumours about a possible KG appearance on the teamsheets. It would certainly be a welcome sight for the Boston faithful, but would also add a new dimension – as if it was needed in the first place – to the matchup.

For those with an emotional stake in the game — Yours Truly included — it will be another roller coaster ride of emotions. I predict the Celtics will win simply because of their superiority on paper. However, this series proved that what appears on paper doesn’t materialize in real life. Neither team deserves to go home early. But one will. I hope that team wears green — and not just on St. Patrick’s Day!

Tracy McGrady Can’t Get A Break

I’d hate to be Tracy McGrady. Simply put. When you think of athletes whom gets paid millions of dollars to be decrepit fools every year and get paid to sit on the bench week in and week out, you wish you could be that athlete. However, when it comes to Tracy McGrady, I bet there’s several takers wanting to retract the aforementioned aphorism.

I’m a McGrady fan. I root for the guy. Never thought it was his fault that the Houston Rockets lost in the three playoff series that he’s played with him (2004-2005, Dallas. 2006-2007, Utah. 2007-2008, Utah). Yet he receives all the scrutiny possible by the media. It’s a farce, far beyond anything Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks has ever received for his individual playoff blunders, despite the success his team has cultivated.

Y’know, we all know there is ambivalence presence among Rockets fans. Some preach that they no longer want McGrady. Others welcome him back with an open (perhaps too open?) heart.

The Rockets finally made it out of the first round this year (after defeating the Portland Trail Blazers in six games) — the first time they’ve made it through the first round in 12 years (McGrady joined the Rockets in 2004, so obviously there were problems before he joined the club).

What I don’t get is this: when the Rockets need a basket, why don’t they just lob it down low to Yao and let him flush it to the basket or at least try to draw a foul. Besides, Yao is one of the better free throw shooters in the league, and at 7-foot-5 you can’t ask for much more than that.

As for McGrady, we’ll see where his injury woes take him. Pretty sad how he everybody in the world throws out skeezy comments directed toward him and he doesn’t get the chance to be resilient toward the said comments. Hey, maybe he’ll turn it around and join a contender over the next couple of years. You never know.

Break a leg, Tracy! Wait, not literally.