The logic of vegans and paleotards around the web. You fucks have me facepalming every second I get. I hate how, when I’m researching something that I can’t conclusively get down to the nitty gritty on, on PubMed, and I’m using Google to see if I can find a forum where folks are discussing a certain study and the goddamn PaleoHacks forum comes up.

I’m lumping vegans and paleotards in together, ’cause it pisses both of you extremists off. The tiny, unmuscled, limp-dicked vegans and the hypersensitive, hyperaware, hypochondriac paleotards go hand-in-hand with the BSNNOIS (Batshit Numbnuts of the Internet Society).

In going back to their ol’ ‘primitive’ roots, the paleotards and vegans respectively have decided it would be a pretty badass idea to go without soap and shampoo while showering because of the ‘laundry list’ of ‘synthetic’ ingredients found in the aforementioned products, and y’know what? The fucktards, I mean paleotards and vegans, are doing the same thing with deodorants for the same reasons. Y’know, I recognize that not all paleotards and vegans are doing this, but there’s been a damn near cult following-like mentality (read: herd mentality with people that fail to think for themselves so they hop on someone else’s ideology nutride-train) with people thinking that it’s alright to forego products that keep off da stank.

I’m not sure what it’s like outside of America with this mentality, but here? I don’t want to smell your goddamn body odor.

Paleotards and vegans (again, I love generalizing) like to spew the word “natural” an awful lot — the word is a damn near cliche in their circles. There’s a clear-cut difference between your ‘natural smell’ and da stank that yes, I assure you, that you do give off after awhile. Because we are human beings and we have all kinds of (Hodgetwins voice) bodily functions going on all at once, we are going to sweat, and we are going to smell… of ourselves.

But, but, but paleotards and vegans like to emit, “Hey! You arrogant ass! We eat wholesome, minimally processed foods! And hey! You belligerent buffoon! Us vegans don’t consume any meat, so our sweat reeks of an angel’s vagina!” Clearly the adage “Some folks think their shit don’t stink” applies here. Ever heard of olfactory fatigue? You get used to your ‘natural’ smell and become immune to it. Nobody in public is going to straight up tell you that you smell like a rotting carcass of a dead animal, but if you are foregoing soap, shampoo and any kind of antiperspirant and heading out in the middle of the summer, doing your daily routine of going to the grocery store, paying bills, etc… you are going to sweat and you are going to stink. I don’t give a fuck how wholesome your diet is.

“Why are people say afraid of their own, natural smell?!?!”, they emit in harmonious unison as bleating cries screech from their bullshit circles. Natural smell? Nothin’ wrong with it, as long as you’ve applied some antiperspirant on your pits and showered before heading out. Y’know, we all have a natural smell, but the more you sweat, the more FUNK that will build up. Funk and grime and all kinds of (once again, Hodgetwins voice) nasty buildup will accrue on your skin. Fucking wash yourself, you smelly, disgusting fucks!

“But soap, shampoo and deodorants are unnatural! People long ago didn’t use ‘em!”

I see your logic.

You want to live life as primitively as possible. Thus, I presume you don’t live indoors, don’t eat any cooked food, don’t use any supplements, don’t use computers (oh, wait) and walk everywhere, right?


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