The Jacksonville Jaguars dropped the Houston Texans last night. The Texans have prevailed — in a way — as being the worst team in pro football. The Jaguars have won four of their last five games. Go figure.
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals
I badly want to pick the Rams. The Rams beat the Cardinals in the opening game of the season, but that was a long time ago and Arizona is a different team now. Bruce Arians knows his quarterbacks — Arizona wins by the hands of Carson Palmer tossing three touchdowns. The Rams’ offense won’t be able to keep up; the defensive front four is quite possibly the best in the league, but the defensive backs have played inconsistently this season. I don’t know whether to blame the players or defensive coordinator Tim Walton.
Atlanta Falcons @ Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers plays? Packers win, handily. He doesn’t? Yeah, the game belongs to the Falcons. It’s amazing how an individual piece to a team like Aaron Rodgers can make or break a team’s Super Bowl, let alone playoff chances.
Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers
The Dolphins need this game. The Steelers need it, too, but fuck it, the Baltimore Ravens took ’em off life support on Thanksgiving, and Mike Tomlin’s a fuckin’ cheater. If the Dolphins want to be in the playoffs, they need a win in Pittsburgh (no shit, Troy!) — I’ll go with the Dolphins getting the win.
Indianapolis Colts @ Cincinnati Bengals
Oh, lawdy… what happened to that ‘sexy’, overhyped Bengals defense? Can you blame the loss on Geno Atkins’ being out? I have Andrew Luck and the Colts running roughshod on the Bungals (not a typo, for once). I’ll go… 34-14 over Andy “The Ginger Game Manager” Dalton and the Bungals.
Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots
Speaking of that 34-14 score above, I believe the last time these teams played the Browns beat the Patsies 34-14; the Patsies won’t have any of that this time. Tommy Three Rings and Co. win by a blowout.
Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets
I lack the necessary damns that are a requisite to give about this game. Neither team will appear in the playoffs. Geno Smith’s a rookie that’s been struggling to hack it as of late. Turnovers have been the Jets’ offense’s Achilles’ heel. Raiders win.
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles
This is the game of the motherfucking week, ladies and gentlemen. Look for a shootout. I’ll go with the Lions in this one. Nick Foles hasn’t turned the ball over all season, and the Lions are licking at the chops over the prospect of coercing the ol’ NFL’s Napoleon Dynamite to toss a couple of balls their way.
Buffalo Bills @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Another goddamn irrelevant game.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Washington Redskins
Oh, boy. My bias will show. I have the Chiefs winning here, right out. I’m hoping the Redskins will lose out the rest of this season (Rams’ draft picks). Regardless, I have my reservations — since starting the season 9-0, the Chiefs have lost three consecutive games (two to the Broncos and a close one to the Chargers), but the Redskins are a piss poor team prone to turning the ball over (here’s looking at you, RG III) and the Chiefs’ defense excels at creating them.
Minnesota Vikings @ Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens are back in the playoff chase. This game is in Baltimore. Jacoby Jones will have a big game. The prediction writes itself.
Tennessee Titans @ Denver Broncos
The Titans have an underrated defense and Peyton “the Princess Fairy Fanny of Peace” Manning plays like a molecular structured bitch in cold weather. Titans will get the upset here and beat the Broncos by the hands of their defense and by the hair follicles that exist within Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard.
New York Giants @ San Diego Chargers
More bullshit Eli Manning storylines that have been derived from the 2004 NFL Draft from when he gave the Chargers his proverbial middle finger. Yeah, the whole Chargers’ team is so up and down. They should have beaten the Bungals (again, not a typo) last week. Still, this week they’ll beat the traveling, tired Giants.
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers
Fuck this game. Fuck both of these teams. The 49ers will win this game; Colin Kaepernick (AKA Colon Crappershit) will play his best game of the season and the Niners will win outright, staying in the NFC West title hunt.
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
I can’t believe how many analysts are giving the Panthers so much credit and the Saints hardly any (because of that 34-7 blowout they suffered in Seattle). Don’t be so quick to forget about the Louisiana Superdome being the “house of horrors” for visiting teams. Regardless of this being a rivalry game, the Saints will win and Cam Newton will crumble.
Dallas Cowboys @ Chicago Bears
This is the game that makes up football follies. Both teams are two colossal quagmires of fuckups. Hell, Dallas wins and gains an edge in the NFC East race.