With the epic swine flu epidemic sweeping the Western hemisphere, I was thinking in this time of light sentiments: if there are players out there (and why, we know there are!) who don’t want to get their asses up off the bench (let alone the couch) for a game or two, the perfect alibi has been brought to the fullest fruition: blame the swine flu.

There’s no doubt about it. There’s nary a problem in that argument. Besides the fact that you may be lacking the necessary symptoms and all, just follow these steps:

1.) Go without bathing. I mean, of course, it’s an inconsiderate thing to do when you’re around people who have to smell the ornery stench that will plague you. However, it’s like Paul Pierce — it’s the truth (Mr. Pierce, no, I was not taking a pot shot at you). No cleansing, the clean person is nary existent.

2.) Don’t wash your hands — c’mon, washing your hands is juvenile! I mean, we do it so we dare devoid of germs and such. Pfft. Go the extra mile in the era of deceiving people in thinking that you have Swine Flu (not to mention to get the extra edge by actually raising your chances in possibly getting swine flu in the future!).

3.) Vitamin C? Just say “no thanks, I’ll have some bacon, sausage, and a Vitamin Case of Swine Flu!” Y’know, Vitamin C is great for you. It helps you fight off perilous diseases and free radicals are internally destroyed by this powerful antioxidant. Be a man, stay injured, and omit the orange juice.

Tracy McGrady, do you hear this? Ken Griffey Jr. of the early to mid 2000s, are you listening? Marc Bulger, want your offensive line to stop thinking that you’re a jackass for blaming them for the Rams’ offensive woes (even though they’re 99.9% of the problem)? Listen!

Ah, be right back. I’m going to go fry some bacon.

Satire
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