John Lennon once said, “I’m an artist. You give me a fucking tuba, I’ll get you something out of it.”

I’d like to add a similar, pithy counter: I’m a sportswriter. You give me a fucking keyboard, I’ll get you something out of it. Otherwise my handwriting blows more hot air than John Daly.

If you have it, you don’t need it, and the following sports journalists sure as hell don’t have ‘it.’

1.) Mike Lupica — formerly of the New York Daily News
This old ass, self-contradicting, self-loathing, moron mincing, self-described “genius” is the biggest idiot who has ever comprised a column in the history of newspapers. This guy is like a semblance to green bean casserole. Why? Because I hate green bean casserole. This wannabe cynic known as Mike Lupica has driven the entire SJ world nuts.

2.) Jay Mariotti — formerly of the Chicago Sun-Times
Mariotti is the biggest bigot in all of America, not to mention a whiner. When he left the Chicago Sun-Times, he left them a note telling them that the paper was like the Titanic, a sinking ship and he was getting the hell out. Funny thing, Mariotti, is that the paper has prospered since you left in August. Maybe it was because, I don’t know, a dumbass like you who never bothered to enter Chicago sports teams’ locker rooms and wrote articles with fake quotes, has left the building. Go figure.

3.) Skip Bayless — ESPN.com
When you’re a sportswriter, it makes sense to cause controversy, but not blatantly. Bayless’s loudmouth personality has garnered him a lot of contempt from America (which gets him points, otherwise he’d be number one or two), but his consistency in blatantly being a journalist who has made up stats to berate athletes like LeBron James and Terrell Owens has been more fickle than that one Howard Fink guy from the WWE.

4.) Buster Olney — ESPN.com
The man is actually smart and knows his baseball, but he won’t stop writing about stupid ass trade rumors and boring ass fantasy baseball. He’s kind of like the guy you know who won’t shut the hell up about futile issues and faux pas ideas. Olney is a pathetic lost soul, kind of like that “Bender” guy from the Breakfast Club. . . if he was a senior baseball writer for ESPN.com, that is.

5.) Terrence Moore — Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Moore was an excellent sportswriter until the last couple of years, or at least in my opinion. He wrote about the Michael Vick dogfighting situation in July 2007 with deft and clever aptitude, but he followed it all up by using sports as a foil to Barack Obama’s presidential candidacy. It’s a sports column, Mr. Moore, not a way to jockey for Mr. Obama.

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