Listening to the same songs, watching the same movies, and reading the same books get repetitive, am I right? Well, so does hearing the same news. This whole past week us sports fans have had nothing to dwell on sinking our opinionated teeth into except the three following:

     Still Vick, still the same.
     Tim Donaghy. Gee, they are looking into the games he reffed. Oh, really?
     Bud Selig. Finally making up his mind? Righteous

The slightest bit of latest news is that Bud Selig will be in attendance for 756. If you read a sentence that follows, “Bud Selig will be in attendance for 756,” what’s your initial thought? Is it Gee whiz, isn’t that swell! I’m so excited and hyped being how exuberantly surprised I am! Yippee! or are you like me? Finally the fruit cake spoke out and broke this ignorant talk about how he wouldn’t attend. He had no friggin’ choice to.

That’s exactly how I have felt, much like most other people. I’m not going to go on the same rant and keep everything on the highway of news, but I’m glad that it’s out of the way now. Last week, Donaghy/Vick came in to be breaking news. Selig’s business with Bonds has been lasting for quite a while now. Donaghy/Vick has only lasted a week or so, and I’m about to flip out of my mind from it because I’m sick of hearing about it.

The incessant talk of Vick and how people just want to set him on fire and just obliterate him have just baffled the hell out of me. Despite all (keep in mind I’m not defending the pathetic loser that is Vick), but has he been proven absolutely guilty yet? I think not. The middle finger flipper (to his Atlanta loyal might I add), the bowl smokin’, alleged dog fighter, in Vick, is completely screwed. Let it rest for a couple of minutes.

Where do I start with Donaghy? Nowhere. The fact that this has been known of for possibly since January by Stern and other league officials has been pretty aggravating to learn, and very bizarre to still know that the game has been hindered by this blissful BS. Hopefully something gets done. There will always be gambling and betting in sports by fans and people in general, but will it always last between league officials or anything related of such? That’s a tweener for now until we see what can truly be done to settle things.

In the meantime, in a way to re-energize these sports, what would be the fun not to poke fun at them in a way to add them to the next generation video game consoles?

Kill Michael Vick: A Dog’s Vengeance — the game is based around a pit bull dog named Spotcha (random name) as the game begins on a small farm in the Virginia. You control and lead the dog across the United States of America battling myopic defiants such as Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Ron Artest, and other hidden sports characters as they try to stop you in the tracks of a mob specifically named the, well, simply, Vick Mob. The hardest difficulty inflicts you when you make your way to Las Vegas, your task goes as follows to make it rain YOUR WAY instead of Pacman’s way if you know what I mean, playas. A bickering and battering dog, you must escape gunshots and a myriad portion of hearing Pacman Jones yell “Yo, bitches, get dis dog outta here ’cause he won’t be puttin it out for me. Finish this doggie off!”

Features on the game include a way to be resilient to the bullets called Ruff ruff, yes I am superior to Michael Vick mode as you click the right thumbstick to instigate the Ruff ruff, yes I am superior to Michael Vick setting after you level up of enough barks and times that you manually humped the strippers’ legs before you chomp Jones’ legs off. On the final stage, you encounter the man that has made your fellow ruff ruff brothers and forefathers lives a living hell, Michael Vick. After being hounded time and time again by people that know Vick calling him by the name “Ooka,” of 5 minutes of play, hiding, and getting a way out, you are able to build and switch on Ruff ruff, yes I am superior to Michael Vick mode. In the end, footage is captured and so is some of your dog’s own urination on Vick’s face as the credits roll.

Bud Selig Tycoon — Remember the games Mall Tycoon, Business Tycoon, Sims Tycoon, etc. on your PC? Well this would be similar. The object is to create random con-men to manipulate a way to continue to influence Bud Selig to show up to Barry Bonds’ games as to how close he is to smashing 756. It doesn’t sound too hard as of now, but the catch? Barry Bonds is diagnosed with a different, rare case of prostate cancer called Taking Steroids Is Just Like Having Sex With A Hooker Because You May Enjoy It At First But The Aftereffect Is Distasteful. You see, Bonds is still able to play, but after every pitch he must adjust his equipment which takes 20 minutes as his helmet gets so stuck to his big head that he must pull it apart before his eyes pop out.

Throughout the game, you have to complete business offers to with Selig as to what implications would show that Bonds was getting any closer to the record sitting at 753. He hadn’t hit a homerun in 20 years, yet fans were still lining up to watch him play at 63 years of age. As time passes, and the more you convince Selig’s old state of mind and worn down body to continue attending Bonds’ games, he finally hits 756. At the end of the game, Selig rises and pronounces “I have the eviden–“, but he gets cut off by a fatal gunshot wound to the head, as Bonds rounds third base as slow as possible and before touching home plate, he is tackled and stuffed into a cannon and blasted into McCovey Cove.

Boom Chocka Locka: Thug Basketball Resurrected — the original idea came from here. From that site, I got the more virtual idea to put that work into a video game. Thug Basketball Resurrected serves one mind in particular — when was “Thug Basketball” even put into perspective. A way Stephon Marbury could reply, “Hey, thugs, we all thugs. But it ain’t got no shittin’ difference if we ain’t doin thug thangs the way we be wantin’.” In other words, what a high and lit Marbury would be saying is that, well, I can’t even make out what he would be saying, but I will say this in what he would probably mean to be talking about — thugs in basketball need to be doing thug things. And that’s that.

The game turns out much like the game Crackdown for the Xbox 360. Instead this time, you don’t control an agent. You control an NBA thug. A broad list containing not only players, but an unlockable in Tim Donaghy. Let’s not kid ourselves. What also can be unlocked is a special handy man called Bitchman: Joey Crawford. Throughout the game, Bitchman: Joey Crawford will assist you with weapons and ammunition to whatever you would plead for merciless help to complete mischievous tasks. However there is one point where you whole sound system locks up and there is no way to turn it off when Bitchman: Joey Crawford spazzes out into a “I HATE TIM DUNCAN” tantrum. In harms way, you must connect an Xbox 360 or Sony PS3 headset, and speak into the microphone, “I’m not laughing, JoJo, I’m not laughing. See, I’m clearly not on the bench making fun of your pathetic ass. Please, shut the hell up!” to clearly lower his anger. And please, when the game releases, don’t spam the gaming forums asking how to shut him up. Please do read the additional 5-page manual the game case includes. Good luck on your way to battling authority!


One thought on “In Other News: Vick, Donaghy, Selig

  1. Good stuff, Troy. This is the first time I’ve ever commented, but your blog is usually the first site I visit every night (or morning) when I’m able to use my iota time. Sounds like you’re frustrated over there not being anything else going on, though.

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