There’s nothing quite like late March. While college basketball is sweeping the country, the hope of a new baseball season is on the brink. Every year, there are new stories, new position battles, and new players on new teams. Every year there is debate as to what will and won’t happen; what teams will flourish and what teams will tank, what players will thrive and what players will collapse, what will and what won’t happen. That’s where I come in, to deliver my thoughts, and analysis what I think will/won’t happen in this upcoming MLB season, with some of my ever-so-loved humor and comical sarcasm added. Enjoy.
30. Will Happen: Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s home run record, and no one blinks an eye. Not one person recognizes the new record as legitimate, and he is booed every where he plays.
29. Won’t Happen: The Pirates make their first playoff appearance since the pre-steroids Bonds era.
28. Will Happen: Delmon Young wins the AL Rookie of the Year in a controversial vote, because Daisuke Matsuzaka is left off the ballot of at least two writers. Probably the same two fellows who left Pedro Martinez off their ballots in 1999.
27. Will Happen: Pedro Martinez pitches a game in 2007.
26. Will Happen: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays finish in an astounding 4th place in the AL East.
25. Won’t Happen: Last year’s NL batting champ, Freddy Sanchez, hits over .310 this year.
24. Will Happen: A healthy Albert Pujols will hit more home runs than Ryan Howard. Count on it.
23. Won’t Happen: The Cubs win the World Series (apologies to Bartman, the soul of Harry Caray, and that goat).
21. Won’t Happen: Ichiro re-signs with the Mariners. I’m sure Ichiro enjoys Seattle and all, but I’m also sure he wants to win a ring. What else does he have to accomplish besides that? Ichiro is going to be playing for the Red Sox, Yankees, or Angels next season.
20. Will Happen: The Atlanta Braves win the NL East, starting a new streak of consecutive division titles.
19. Won’t Happen: The national media stops raving on the Yankees and Red Sox and starts spreading the love to other teams such as the Colorado Rockies.
18. Will Happen: A die-hard Yankees or Red Sox fan will bust me for saying the above.
17. Will Happen: Carlos Beltran is struck out while looking a few more times…hehe.
16. Won’t Happen: Francisco Liriano is ever the same pitcher. It’s too bad that the Twins over worked the hell out of him and ruined his career. He reminds me of Mark Prior, except his throwing motion isn’t as messed up. When will teams learn that one season isn’t worth ruining a young pitcher’s career?
15. Will Happen: Dimitri Young is traded to the Devil Rays for Greg Norton… eh, why not? Dimitri and Delmon get to be a poor man’s version of the “actual” Bash-Brothers, and the Nationals get a slight upgrade at first base.
14. Won’t Happen: Any trade I ever suggest, ever.
13. Won’t Happen: Alex Rodriguez opts. out of his contract with the Yankees at the end of the season. World Series or not, it’s just not going to happen. No one’s going to pay A-Rod more than $25,000,000 a season, especially when the Yankees aren’t bidding the price up.
12. Won’t Happen: Tony La Russa is shot while driving around in Detroit yelling something another about Brandon Inge.
11. Won’t Happen: Tim Hudson grows sideburns.
10. Won’t Happen: The Cubs win the NL Central after a stellar regular season, prompting every Cubs fan to once again declare that “this is the year.”
9. Will Happen: The Kansas City Royals manage to lose 100 games.
8. Won’t Happen: Mark McGwire decides that he’s here to talk about “the past.”
7. Won’t Happen: The Cincinnati Reds finish in the top 3 of the Central
6. Will Happen: Michael Kay says a record setting of “See-ya’s” on the air of the YES Network.
5. Will Happen: The Red Sox and Yankees get in a bench clearing brawl, thus completely ruining any thoughts of having a season where the media doesn’t focus primarily on this outstanding rivalry. Hey, you can’t blame them, the drama has always been amazing.
4. Won’t Happen: Johnny Damon tears of his uniform to reveal a Boston Red Sox jersey after striking out to end the ALCS against Boston.
3. Will Happen: There will be at least one moment this year when something unbelievable happens in a game, and you’ll sit back and think, “Wow, I really love this game.”
2. That moment comes when Barry Bonds hits home run number 756.
1. Won’t Happen: Me being right about any of what I said.